Last week sometime I visited the dentist to fill a couple of cavities. For people who know me don’t u dare give me that “sigh!! Not again” look. But yeah I have visited the dentist so many times that I can look at Ogden Nash, smirk and say “ho ho..u silly sissy goose.u r scared of sitting in a dentist’s chair??”(for people who are like “duh!!Ogden who??" Go to google and type "Ogeden Nash This is going to hurt just a little bit. it should thorow up some meaningful links.i am too lazy to add a link here"). In fact the dentist is like a family friend. He comes for our family weddings, he knows where I study, how much I scored in my 12th boards and many such personal details.
It started in class 11th when my neighbour’s five yr old child took one look at my ‘smiling’ face and ran away screaming “poochandi varadhu poochandi varadhu” and then my mom took one look at me and said “ahem!!maybe its time we took you to a dentist..”
Now I have absolutely no illusions about my looks. I am the person whom mothers tell their young kids about when they don’t eat or drink milk “paal kudikalena onoda pallum andha akka madri aaidum”. I would smile benevolently at the child and it would gulp down the milk(whether it was out of fear of me or fear of the mother I still don’t know). I am about as related to beauty as Pamela Anderson is to TR.
But still I was taken to the dentist who reeled back after looking at me and asked my mother “when did the accident happen” for which my mother told him that I was born this way. And so it was decided that I would get braces. I screamed I shouted I fretted I fumed but to no avail. I tried telling them that whatever they did it wouldn’t make a difference because god had me that way and I had no complaints. But I was dragged and pushed on to the dentists chair and for the next four years, yes u heard and read right FOUR years I have undergone the torture. I removed my braces in my second year of college and till then every second Sunday of every month I would be sent to the dentists office where I would be made to lie in an extremely undignified manner and the dentist would put things like a hacksaw blade, a drill, jets of water, cement (no no..i am not talking about building a house. These were some of the instruments the dentist put in my mouth) and many other things whose name I do not know.
Well the fact that the dentist was good looking smart and funny did help reduce the pain to some extent(I was given 9 anesthesia injection to make my mouth numb while the doctor pulled four of my permanent teeth). I mean seriously when a guy like Tom Cruise is peering into your mouth and pulling ur teeth while giving u a drop dead gorgeous smile the pain seems to disappear away and I just stared at him open mouthed (both literally and figuratively)
Anyway after four years when I finally removed the mass of metal from my mouth I sought my neighbours now nine year old cheeky son took him to a room and gave him a dazzling smile. The last I heard he was undergoing treatment for shock.
So basically the braces did not make any difference and nothing good came out of four years of braces and in fact in those four years I suffered severe tooth decay (try brushing ur teeth with a huge mass of metal in ur mouth. Brushing was an extremely difficult and painful task and not something I looked forward to) and had to visit the dentist even more regularly to get those filled. And then after I removed my braces i filled a couple of teeth and then last week I filled two more. So Right now I have more fillings in my mouth than the amount of hair on TR’s and Anil Kapoor’s body put together, more fillings than the amount of fat on gabten’s body than the number of bags in my sister’s wardrobe than the number of viruses in my laptop than the number of…… I cant think of anything more. But I am sure you guys have a fair idea of how big a number I am talking about. I was just fantasizing that if after a million years some archaeologist excavates some part of earth and finds some parts of my body, say my teeth (this is assuming that a giant earthquake will occur and all of us will be buried under layers and layers of earth and our bodies will be completely decomposed by bacteria and nothing will be left except our teeth and bones (yeah I am a very optimistic person)) then he would hold up my teeth on national geographic and say,
“As u can see we are looking at the teeth of a mammal. These ” he would say holding up my amalgam filled teeth(yeah teeth fillings are made of amalgam(nanglum konjam 12th std chemistry ellam padichirukkom)) “seem like the teeth of a female orangutan. As you can see these teeth are much bigger than human teeth. We think that a million years ago orangutans and gorillas had teeth made of amalgam unlike human beings whose teeth were made of calcium carbonate. But we have come to this conclusion after studying this one case of a female orangutan and further research is under way”
Wow!! I will be famous then. Who cares if I was mistaken for a female orangutan. Atleast I(or a part of me) will be on TV a million years from now..
But jokes apart I have so much amalgam in my mouth that even before I die of an earthquake I think I will die of mercury poisoning (amalgam is an alloy of mercury).Usually people take up medical insurance for accidents, heart disease cancer etc but at my house my father has taken medical insurance for dental care (my sister has had braces, my mom has had root canal surgery and I have been born and brought up in the dentists office).
Anyway the bootom line is that I have had enough. From tomorrow I m gonna take good care of my teeth. I am going to brush twice a day (ok. At least once a day when paste is available in hostel :P:P) and stop eating chocolates and ice creams because the dentist is getting married next month and shifting to another place.. :( :(