Hmmm..Aaaarrghhh!!

Another year goes by, a decade just went by, its been four years now since this blog was started and I am 24. 24 is not a very nice age to be. For one you are terribly confused (its a different thing that i am always terribly confused but 24 is particularly confusing). You have no idea about the future. You are not sure you want what you are getting and you are not sure about getting what you want. You are apprehensive as hell because all of a sudden you are being pushed into adulthood. You have conversations with friends which you would never have dreamt of having three years back. Your priorities are being forced to change and suddenly you realize that the whooshing sound you hear is time just flying past you. You attend your college's alumni meet and you realise you are old and there are scores of juniors who you dont recognize, calling you akka and you want to sit and cry and come running back to college where your maximum worry was how to handle project reviews.

There were a certain set of ideals you had always lived by. Ideals which you built by reading loads and loads of books and watching movies. Suddenly you wish you could just throw all those books out of the window and burn them. You wish you were illiterate or had spent all these years reading mills and boon and danielle steele. At least that would have prepared you for certain things which Ayn Rand does NOT. You read Ayn Rand and you think you can conquer the world and suddenly all that comes crashing around you when you realise how perfectly ordinary you are and what a boringly normal course your life is taking. You reach that point in life where reality strikes you and you realise that the ideal world exists only in books and movies. Its almost like the child who realizes that santa clause doesnt exist or that spiderman is all animation and there is not really a man who can spin webs by just folding his fingers and pointing it at you.

You read books and fantasize a world where everything is exactly the way you want to be. You are Dominique Francon a minute and Howard Roark the other. You are Galahad and Jeeves. Hercule Poirot and Jane Marple. Tintin and Asterix. Julian and Fatty. You are the strong character helping everyone and the one who everyone turns to. None of your favorite characters had ordinary lives and you grow up thinking its a sin to have an ordinary life. You build a world around those characters. And that world comes crashing down and you realise that its all make believe and what a weak and loser-ish person you really are in real life. Forget making the world happy, you cant even make the ones close to you happy. You are torn by your ideals (stupid as they are) and the real world (real, loving and caring as it is). A part of you knows that the latter is permanent and safe and which is what will make you happy if not now, then 10 years down the line and yet another part of you wants to break free. "Who wants safe? Safe is for wimps. Go out there are fly. So what if you will regret it 10 years later. At least you would have tried" that part says and your life now is a constant struggle between those two parts of your self. All your attempts to merge them fail and its almost like suffering from multiple personality disorder.

You suddenly wish time would fly faster, either forward or backward, as long as you dont have to face this stage in your life where simple decisions seem herculean. You dont want to be 24. 17 was nice. 31 will definitely be nice. But 24 is sad. And worse still is when you look around and you see people handling 24 gracefully and you wonder "How the hell do they do it man?". You see people who are 24 getting married and having children and you want to run and hide under a rock out of shame. You cant blame god because you are agnostic. You cant blame your parents and siblings because they are sane and sensible people, mature and composed when they were 24. You cant blame your friends because most of them are married or at least they know want they want when they turn 25. You cant blame your stars because you are skeptical about astrology. Its just you.

Oh my God. Am i suffering from quarter life crisis an year before i become a quarter century old? Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrghh!!!

Musings

It has been raining cats and dogs and donkeys and tigers for the past two days. Seriously. It has been raining like nobody’s business. All schools are off today, all colleges are off today. I won’t be surprised if they close down government offices too. Then why the HELL are IT companies working all the time??? :-\

What I want: hot steaming tea with a plate of pakodas, a nice book and some good music
What I have: hot tea from the vending machine, code which doesn’t work

What I want: a job which lets me talk to people, read a lot and write a lot
What I have: a job where I talk to a maximum of one person, read the lunch menu everyday, and write some nonsense and try to convince everyone that it is code.

What I want: to read John Grisham’s latest novel called playing for pizza
What I have: complete reference java

What I want: is to be able to sleep peacefully without anyone waking me up and asking me to come to office
What I have: am at office at 8.30 owing to the bus driver who drove like he had a pregnant woman in his bus and was rushing her to the hospital

What I want: is to roll my jeans up and splash with gay abandon in the puddles formed by the rain outside
What I have: a voice inside me telling me that I am 22 and a professional working in a leading IT company and professionals working in leading IT companies DO NOT splash in water!!

Sigh!! But what is most surprising is that despite all this I am really really happy and completely in love with life right now. What IS wrong with me??

Re"Vetti" - R.I.P (Even my jokes are as sad as my Life is :-\)

I hereby announce the death of my alter ego a.k.a Re"vetti". I was re-christened Re"vetti" by a friend of mine (I forget who. I think it was Rahul. I am not sure though and I definitely don’t want to give HIM credit for re-christening me!! :P) around three years back in my second year of engineering when the maximum work I did was eating and sleeping(yeah sometimes when I was awake and not hungry I also visited college once in a while). I was utterly jobless then and hence the name Re"Vetti" came to be. it became hugely popular and almost everyone I knew (even those I didn’t know) then started calling me by this name.(I didn’t mind. as long as I wasn’t called fatty or shorty or something I was happy.)

Anyway coming back to the point I hereby announce the death of my alter ego Re"Vetti" because after she stayed in office till ten for the past two weeks(it promises to get worse by the way) and worked on Saturdays she no longer deserves to be called thus!! I can’t believe (and most of the people around me can’t believe) the fact that I am actually doing some work. in the past 21 years of my existence I have never done anything which can even remotely be classified as work (no wait!! I really really worked for my sisters wedding. I tasted all the food in the sathram and informed my parents if the menu and taste were fine. yup!! now that’s work.***) and now I am working so much that I have no time left to do anything else nowadays. I get up at 7.00 leave for office at 8.30 come back home and 10.30 and hit the bed. (wow!! what an absolutely happening life I must say). one day I had so much of work that I had to actually catch the cab at 11.45 in the night and by the time I came home it was 12.30. Sheesh!! I can’t believe its me. I used to look down upon people who worked beyond 6.00 in the evening and now I have become a person whom I would have scorned a few months back!! :(

I think god has this quota that every human being should do so much of work and since I haven’t done any of it in the past 21 years he is making me work my posterior out now (oh yeah!! I am a thorough professional now. I don’t use terms like A** and all that now. sigh!! how much a job in a software company can change a person!!)

So it’s official. all u people who derived pleasure out of calling me Re'Vetti' kindly desist from using the word vetti in my context. I no longer deserve it. people who sympathize with me after reading this blog and are going "Awwww. poor girl" u guys are the best and I hope god blesses you with as little work (and as high a salary of course) as possible. and for people who are smirking and going "Hah!! she calls 12.30 late?? I stay in office till 2.00- 3.00 and am back in office at 9.00 next day morning" u seriously need help. there is lots and lots to life apart from work and if u r missing out on all that its time u went to psychiatrist and got ur head checked. Sorry if I sound rude but frankly I doubt it if anyone belonging to the latter category would actually visit my blog.

By the way my blog is right now suffering from abject lack of visitors with visitors fewer than Pamela Anderson’s clothes in Baywatch (and that is saying something). Now I am not a person who cares about numbers. I don’t care if I have any visitors or not. I write because I love to write and right now it is the only source of entertainment in my otherwise bland and bleak existence. It was just something that I noticed. U stop updating Ur blog and the visitors to Ur blog also stop.

I am sure at least 99% of u r wondering what the hell is she trying to say. Honestly even I don’t know. So I will just stop rambling now and let u derive ur own conclusions from this post of mine. I will just get back to work. C ya.

P.S: initially I thought I wouldn’t post this blog at all because it was so full of shit but then it took me ten minutes to type all this nonsense up and I am not letting all that effort go waste!! so people who are still reading and have actually read this far I bow down. if I had been in ur place I would have just clicked that small red color cross on the right corner of my window right after the first para!! :P

***- This is what i meant when i said my jokes are as sad as my life is!! My sense of humor seems to have gone for a toss!! :(